The Reason I Stopped Going To Church (For Now)
It Smells Like Spearmint!
No, the smell of spearmint isn’t the reason I stopped going to church. That would be pretty ridiculous, right? Here’s the real reason.
Growing up, attending church was just like going to school. My brother, sister, and I had no say in whether we went or not. And similar to school, if I was ever sick, my mom would do her usual routine - she would rub vapor rub on my chest as if she were preparing a Thanksgiving turkey, wrap a scarf around my neck, and fill my pockets with so many cough drops that kids could guess the flavor before I even reached in. As if that wasn’t enough, being compelled to go somewhere every week without understanding why always left me a bit uneasy.
To me, as a boy, church was just a building where a bunch of old people happened to gather. It was the place that always smelled like spearmint, only cold water flowed from the faucet, the A/C unit was perpetually malfunctioning, and the only snacks available were tiny crackers and grape juice (which I didn’t realize was for Communion back then). And if an elderly woman did offer me candy, I would always regret it because she only had peppermints and butterscotch; every now and then I got lucky with strawberry bons. Church was also the sole reason I had to wear a clip-on tie and a dress shirt. On Sundays, my mom or stepdad would focus on my appearance more than during the week, so I had to be particularly cautious in my “good clothes.” But being me, I always found a way to have fun. As soon as the pastor said, “Let the church say Amen,” my brother and our friends: Anthony, Patrick, Jordan, and Gregory would rush outside to hang out in the parking lot. We would chat, chase one another, toss the football around, and even engage in playful fights. Boys will be boys, right?
Ok, I’ll Try It
But as I grew older, my perspective on church changed significantly. Playing Pokémon in the pews during sermons or passing the Gameboy around until us boys were called to deliver Communion felt childish. By my teenage years, I genuinely wanted to engage, absorb, and learn from the messages. From ages 14 to 28, I was eager to discover how to improve myself as a person, boyfriend, husband, son, friend, and employee. For a time, this approach was effective. So, what changed? Why did I come to the conclusion that church was no longer for me?
Tell Me Something Good!
To begin with, I am not against going to church and it would be great to find a church where I could plant my roots. However, the reason I stopped going to church is a reason many men today have stopped going - we feel neglected. Interestingly, this sentiment isn't new; over ten years ago, many men felt the same way. In a 2011 article, Thoms G. Long mentions, "Study after study has shown that many men who identify as Christian feel bored, alienated, and disengaged from church" (The Silent Exodus: Why Men Are Leaving the Church). Did I find the sermons dull? Not exactly. Did I think church services were too lengthy? Not at every place I visited. The feeling of neglect stemmed from the fact that when difficult times struck in my life, church was NOT the spiritual clinic I had hoped it would be.
In my book, This Is Private Property, I share a lot about my personal experiences. I discuss my time being homeless, the challenges of family estrangement, the process of overcoming divorce, and the feelings of exclusion during the early years of my daughter’s life. I also talk about my struggles with depression, heartbreak, and the sense that life lacked purpose. During those dark and lonely moments, I sought guidance from the church, hoping to find some answers. Ironically, I found little that was helpful. After expressing my feelings for about half an hour, the responses I received were often along the lines of, “Just keep praying,” “Hang in there, man,” or the well-known phrase, “He may not come when you want him to, but he’s always on time.” This type of advice felt pointless to me since I was already doing what they suggested. I hadn’t given up or stopped praying; I was simply in search of genuine wisdom and relevance. To this day, only once has a man truly opened up to me about the struggles of manhood. I can still remember him sitting on the sofa next to me and even nearly crying about how he could relate to what I was going through. I met him while I was dating my ex-girlfriend in Louisiana. He was her pastor at the family church, and after our relationship ended, I gradually distanced myself. I kept looking to churches expecting the same heart-to-heart relationship, but it didn’t work. So, I began to find my own way and sought advice from men who didn’t fit the typical clergy image, but who were authentic, relevant, and trustworthy.
This Will Do
Previously, I mentioned that I left the church due to feeling neglected. However, the reality is that I didn’t just feel neglected; I felt abandoned. What’s the distinction? Neglect is a lack of action, while abandonment is a deliberate choice. I experienced both! Whenever I needed guidance or support, I realized that going to church wasn’t the best option. Furthermore, my ex-girlfriend was a big enough problem on her own, my family had been distant since before I began college, and trying to identify who my true friends were among 200 Facebook contacts was exhausting. So, I started to look inward while also learning from men who might not carry a Bible but understand women, finances, success, hard work, emotional intelligence, and vision. And what was the outcome?
Their guidance proved effective. I began to feel better, look better, and achieve greater success overall. As a result, I formed a new spiritual support group of men who, while not perfect, are relevant. I believe this is what other men who wish to attend church are also searching for. Do we need to lament our issues? No. Do we want to focus solely on our problems? No. Yet, when life becomes challenging, it certainly feels comforting to converse with or learn from men who possess more understanding than we do and can assist us in navigating life. This is ultimately how I fell in love with my life and chose the path I am on now. It wasn’t about church hurt, anger, or being jaded - I simply realize I didn’t need certain things. You never know how strong you are until you have to be strong by yourself. Eventually friends, family, and even having an intimate partner became obsolete and moved down the hierarchy of needs in my life the more I endured on my own. Unfortunately, there are many other men who feel lonely and neglected as I once did, but the desire for marriage, family, and the white picket fence is still present within them. But how long do these men need to go feeling overlooked? Will these men end up finding solace in life so much so that they too will decide to live a slower life.
Us men are not interested in answers that are pretty, politically correct, or polished up. We want REAL. I don’t consider myself a Christian or to be of any religious affiliation for that matter. I do believe in God, but I am more open and tolerant to new perspectives now. I will always be grateful for the men who may not even realize the impact they have on my life. Without their guidance, I genuinely don’t know where I would be.
