Single By Choice? Or Nah?

I'm Not Your Guy

In 2023, on a weekday, I met with an elder at a church I used to attend in Louisiana to do something that most people in my situation rarely do - I stepped down from my role as a Bible Study teacher. Why, you ask?

I Don’t Fit The Narrative

I had only acquired the position because I was a middle school teacher, had done a phenomenal job the summer before as a summer camp teacher, and was a great guy according to the elder. But to be honest, I don't agree with everything I read in the Bible. Additionally, I have my own flaws - I often curse when I speak, I drink cocktails from time to time, I see no issue with casually dating without pressuring everyone I meet into marriage, I'm still getting tattoos, I like to stay to myself for the most part, I wasn't attending church every Sunday, I struggle with being domesticated and prefer to live life on my own terms, and my motivation for helping those less fortunate isn't to gain favor in Heaven - I do it simply because I can. I don't even care about receiving rewards for it; sometimes, the reward is just having money in my pocket. I don't perform actions to receive blessings; I act because I am already blessed. Now, you might be thinking, "Sure, but everyone has flaws. No one is perfect." That's true, but there's more to it.

I’m Familiar, But Unaffiliated

I've come to realize that I can't genuinely see myself as the same type of Christian as everyone else. Yes, I believe in good and evil. Yes, I believe in God, but my understanding is different. While many people place the entire burden of their lives on God, I believe that God gives us opportunities every day just by allowing us to wake up. It's then our choice to decide whether we will live fully, take action, ask that cashier out on a date, apply for that job, start writing that book, take a break, go back to school, or whatever else we choose to do.

What I've often observed in the Christian community is that people depend on God for practically everything. They quickly attribute the success of their children, finances, marriages, health, careers, happiness, and everything else to Him. And when things go awry, they are even quicker to blame Him or the devil. Personally, I don't give the devil that much credit. In fact, I believe I hold much more power than he does because I possess - perspective. Charles R. Swindoll once said, "Life Is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond." Yes, I truly believe in incorporating God into your life. Yes, I believe that the enemy attempts to use individuals and circumstances to distract us, but even then, he can only act within the limits set for him (Job 1: 6 - 12). And yes, "Life happens," but existence is more fulfilling when we either acknowledge our mistakes, understand that we didn't err and just need to navigate through whatever is unfolding, or realize we should pause and let the universe take its course.

However, it seems that the Christian framework is one where individuals never progress from consuming milk to eating meat because they are perpetually waiting for things to materialize and go their way. This tendency is evident even in the pursuit of finding a husband or wife. People are reluctant to put in the effort. They constantly seek the easy route, the AI solution, the ChatGPT response, the Spark Notes on what to do, and the shortcuts for everything significant. Some aspects of life are a journey. Preparing for marriage or being single is a journey. But how can you determine if it is YOUR journey? In this article, I aim to address how I believe you can discern whether you possess the gift of being single or if you are merely experiencing a phase.

How Do I Decide?

In 1 Corinthians 7:7 - 8, the Bible first mentions the gift of being single. Later, in verse 28, Apostle Paul points out something that is quite clear in many marriages today - they come with challenges. However, he never specifies which path to follow. So, how can you determine if you possess the gift of being single? Is it just another instance where we seek God's guidance once more? And if you do "have it," how can you discern if it's a temporary phase or a permanent state?

Somebody Has to Address It

At 32 years old, I have yet to attend a church where the pastor delivered a sermon on the gift of being single. Given the current climate, it's important to focus on teaching individuals how to STAY married rather than merely GETTING married. But what about the people in between? I believe the primary reason for why most pastors avoid the topic is that society generally perceives being single as synonymous with loneliness. It is often viewed negatively.

People tend to think that if a man is single, it must be because he is financially struggling, socially awkward, unable to connect with women, or has been hurt by past experiences. Similarly, when it comes to women, they are often seen as difficult, unattractive, or worn out if they are single. While these assumptions may hold true for some, they do not apply universally. Many men and women choose to remain single for various reasons. They might be concentrating on their education, advancing their careers, getting fit, taking time to heal from past traumas, or simply enjoying life without the added pressure of a relationship. It is entirely possible for individuals to make thoughtful decisions based on a positive assessment of their lives. Not everyone is bitter, lonely, jaded, or unhappy. Some people are single by choice, while others are still open to finding a soulmate. But how can you tell which category you fall into? Do you possess the "gift?" Or are you merely in a period of reflection before you are ready to pursue love again?

(3) Ways To Tell

Here are (3) ways I believe someone can tell if they have the gift of being single:

(1) Am I Okay?

they often experience feelings of guilt, a bit of shame, and even a sense of oddness regarding how much they relish their own company and solitude. While they may sometimes yearn for the company of friends and family, they genuinely feel happiest when they are by themselves. They excel at it! On a typical Friday night (unless I have company) after teaching, you can usually find me at home with candles glowing, vibrant LED lights illuminating my apartment, and enjoying the sounds of R&B artists like Leon Thomas, Joe, or Musiq SoulChild in my kitchen while sipping wine and preparing a delightful meal. Then, on Saturday morning, I get ready to spend quality time with my daughter. It’s truly the best of both worlds!

(2) I’m Afraid I Have To Decline

they truly are single BY CHOICE. Contrary to what many people believe about single men and women, it’s a different scenario when they are actively choosing the single lifestyle. These individuals are not single due to being unattractive, financially unstable, incompetent, socially awkward, or peculiar. They do attract the opposite sex, but they consciously decide to let a relationship develop only to the extent they desire. In my experience, I have interacted with numerous women. Some viewed me merely as someone to spend time with (which is my preference), while others sought something deeper. The women who desired more may have come close, but they could never truly secure me. This was NOT due to having a fear of commitment or me needing to heal; I was fine. I simply didn’t feel the need for a serious relationship and find more enjoyment in casual connections. Why is that? The simple answer is - I can already take care of myself. I cook, clean, pay my own bills, and manage my own life.

I have no room for a woman permanently, but I do appreciate being around a woman who is beautiful inside and out, adventurous, and respectful. However, those three great, but simple qualities don’t necessarily warrant having a lifelong commitment. Just like being in a relationship won’t completely erase the feelings of loneliness; in fact, the worst loneliness comes from being in a relationship and not even feeling like it. Because of this, thankfully, I’m unbothered by the toxic and confusing dating climate today. I’m not looking for anything deep!

(3) I Love To Be In Control Of My Life

Finally, you are just as flexible as you are structured. One characteristic I've observed in myself and others who appreciate being single is their desire to have it all! This isn't necessarily a negative trait, provided they communicate openly and honestly with others. It doesn't always pertain to sexual matters either. It simply indicates that they relish the freedom to choose what to do, when to do it, where to do it, how to do it, and the reasons behind their actions. It's true! From an outsider's perspective, they may appear quite organized and routine. However, if you spend enough time with them, you'll notice moments of randomness and spontaneity. Perhaps this stems from their upbringing, who knows, but regardless, they cherish the ability to come and go as they wish. I can certainly relate.

Before 2022, I was the typical hopeless romantic; that's why I married my daughter's mother at 23. However, in 2022, after ending a toxic relationship with my ex-girlfriend, I committed to a year of solitude, which unexpectedly transformed into a year filled with adventure, self-exploration, and even a few dates with women who appreciated the vibe I was radiating. The comfort of returning to my own serene home and tranquil life became my new reality. I never looked back.

I Am What I Am

I accept that I have the gift of being single and based on the (3) reasons I just mentioned, I embrace it. Is it necessary for single individuals to stop dating? Absolutely not. I believe it's both unwise and unhealthy to shy away from the opposite sex, even if you've decided that marriage isn't in your future, whether that's for the first time or again. It's perfectly normal to enjoy the company of a man or a woman. Personally, I love cooking for a woman while she relaxes in the tub, hosting her for a weekend visit, giving her a foot massage after a long day, engaging in meaningful conversations, and going on enjoyable dates. Yet, I also cherish the freedom to retreat to my tranquil life whenever I choose.

Nah, It’s Just Phase!

At this moment, you might be a single man or woman who resonates with one or all of the experiences I've shared. Still, you may hold the hope of having a husband or wife someday. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! However, as I mentioned earlier, I believe it's problematic to wait passively for people and opportunities to come your way. Your future spouse won't find you if you're always at home, unwilling to be approached, lacking social skills, avoiding social interactions, not addressing your personal issues, or if you're placing all the pressure on God. YOU need to take action and start moving forward.

I'm not suggesting you need to exclude God from your walk or find your partner today. But now is the ideal time to focus on getting fit, being more strategic with your finances, setting goals, and envisioning how you want your life to unfold. I've always said, "The best way to determine if you should take someone seriously is to observe how seriously they take themselves." This doesn't imply they are stiff or dull. It simply means they pursue their own goals and meet their own expectations. Many people struggle to stick to their New Year’s resolutions, so how can you expect them to commit to a new marriage or family? Become the person you would want to marry, and you'll find it easier to recognize them when they come into your life.