(3) Amazing Things Co-parenting Dads Can Still Teach
It has been said that co-parenting can be ineffective and that it doesn’t work. If that’s true, we might be in trouble considering that a significant number of households in America are single-parent families. According to one article, "The U.S. Census Bureau today released estimates showing there were 10.9 million one-parent family groups with a child under the age of 18 in 2022" (Census Bureau Releases New Estimates on America’s Families and Living Arrangements). So, do these children have a chance? Should the parents reunite? Or is it possible that co-parenting can be a viable option?
I believe it is. First of all, the term "co-parent" doesn’t hold much significance for me. I see co-parenting simply as parenting. However, I do grasp the idea. My daughter’s mother and I don’t share a home, which makes us co-parents, but we don’t refer to it that way. We just parent! In my view, children from two-parent households and those whose parents collaborate to raise them while living apart do have a chance, provided the parents can get along, respect each other even in their absence, establish boundaries, and recognize each other’s strengths. As someone who co-parents, I believe there are specific benefits a child can gain from this arrangement. In this article, I want to explore three things I think fathers can intentionally and unintentionally teach their sons or daughters through co-parenting.
1) I Got This!
One of the first lessons my daughter will learn about me is that a man should always be self-reliant. Because of co-parenting, my daughter will consistently see me taking care of myself as she grows. When she comes over, she’s not just visiting "daddy’s house;" she’s arriving at a tidy, pleasant-smelling home with a fridge stocked with groceries, heating and air conditioning, WiFi, a room just for her, toys to play with, and a sense of order. Although she may not grasp it now, I want her to understand the significance of being with a man who can stand on his own two feet. Thankfully the apartment where I stay has a gym; I can’t count how many times I have taken her with me. I’ve lost count of how many times she has watched me clean or cook for her and her mother. When they come over, neither of them has to lift a finger because I am entirely capable of managing everything myself. Her mom does help from time to time, but overall, I lead the way and do as I do when they aren’t visiting.
And of course, I do instill a sense of responsibility in my daughter so she can develop her own drive and initiative. I model how she should make her bed, explain where to put her dirty laundry, enforce a bedtime, pray with her, support her mother when she says "No," take on the role of disciplinarian, teach her to help around the house according to her age and size, and even set aside time to work on school assignments with her. I manage my life while still making time for her. The notion that "domestic work" is solely a woman's responsibility will not be her reality. By managing my life—cooking, working out, paying bills, cleaning, budgeting, providing her with structure, and ensuring my life is stable for her benefit—she will hopefully use my example as a standard when interacting with men. My daughter never comes over to a dirty home. I have candles, I decorated each room myself, everything is stored in its respective place, there is furniture, and the bills are paid. These are all or most of the things I want her future husband to do. Many women find themselves in relationships with men they feel they need to build, repair, or fix. I don’t want that for her! While I recognize the value of two people collaborating, building together, and achieving success through their shared investment, I do not believe it is a woman’s role to "fix" a man.
Many women fall into this situation because they want to feel useful. They want to feel important and the idea of dating a man who is solid and capable - without her - scares some women because they are intimidated by the fact that he doesn’t need her. But the truth is, no one actually needs anyone. Social interaction is healthy and very critical for people to success in a variety of forms. But my desire is for her is that she finds a man who is with her because he WANTS to be with her and not because he needs to be with her. By me being a capable man who is able to maintain his own life, hopefully she gets the message loud and clear.
2) I Got Y’all
In addition to my daughter observing me challenge stereotypes and gender norms by taking on responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, and managing my life as a responsible man, she will also see what loyalty looks like in a man. As a father and co-parent, I am there for my daughter not just when I need to enforce discipline, assist her with schoolwork, nurture her, and provide for her, but I also show respect for her mother. I never really thought about what life would entail until 2019 when my daughter's mother and I learned she was pregnant. Ironically, we found this out after our relationship had ended. However, I have always believed that if a mother and a man are no longer together and she hasn't found another partner yet, it is right for him to still look out for her. Am I suggesting he pay her bills? No. Am I saying they need to hang out, talk daily, or share every detail of their lives? Absolutely not. But I do believe a man should be the provider, protector, or visionary for his family. In situations where a woman lacks a man to fulfill that role but shares a child, it would be considerate for the child's father to still be present and helpful.
Simple acts like checking the oil in her car, filling the gas tank, ensuring the doors are locked and the windows are closed, assisting with furniture, occasionally buying groceries, and sometimes allowing the mother to have a weekend off from the child are all basic ways a man can demonstrate respect and honor for the mother, as well as for his sons or daughters. You don’t have to go overboard, pay rent, or cover the car note, just be available.
Some might call this unconditional love, but I see it as my way of being proactive for the people in my life. Just as I would shield my daughter and her mother with an umbrella in a downpour while I get drenched, I would also stand in the gap without hesitation when it comes to making sure they feel secure and are provided for. If my daughter’s mother ever finds herself in a relationship, then I would respectfully fall back from helping as much I have out of respect for the man but would still be just call away. As for me, I like my life as it is! As I stated in my other article, I am great at living alone, I view a relationship with a woman as a luxury instead of a need, and I love having freedom and choice to do what I want without the preliminaries.
Ultimately, I hope that by observing me, my daughter will learn what it means for a man to love a woman and his children, regardless of the situation. I don’t require everything to go my way all the time to meet my obligations - part of being a man is doing what is necessary, no matter how I feel. Providing a healthy mix of femininity and masculinity for her is very important to me, and this is one way I accomplish that.
3) Lastly, We Got You
Ultimately, my goal in co-parenting is for my daughter to realize just how deeply she is loved. Growing up in the same household as both parents does NOT always ensure that children will develop into mentally stable, emotionally healthy, and successful individuals. My siblings and I spent some time living with our mother and stepfather, and the experience was toxic, chaotic, and unstable. It is not always necessary or healthy for parents to reunite romantically. Nor is it reasonable to expect it.
For example, if a woman has 5 children from 3 different men, and only 2 of those are good fathers, is she just supposed to examine the situation and then pick the best one? No. At times, trying to rekindle romance in a relationship that has flourished into a friendship isn't necessarily the best option.
Therefore, there is no such thing as a "perfect way" to raise a child. While one approach may seem ideal, the most crucial elements a child needs are support, structure, love, and consistency. It brings me joy to know that I can provide my daughter with what I lacked during my own upbringing.
In Conclusion
Like any parent, I wish for my daughter to find someone special to love. However, more importantly, I want her to understand the qualities of a good man should she ever decide to marry. There are countless lessons I want her to grasp about life, finances, determination, hard work, and love. Through our co-parenting journey, I hope she learns that it is not her responsibility to change or fix a man, that a truly great man will always care for his family, and that she is deserving of that love! With that thought, I can rest easy.
