The #1 Reason I Say “Nope” To Marriage
Whenever I engage in conversations about marriage and relationships, people often inquire if I will ever tie the knot. They are usually taken aback by my response - Nope! However, my reason for saying 'Nope' isn't quite the same as what they might assume. In an article, writer Sylvia Smith discusses five reasons why men are hesitant to marry these days; reasons like the fear of divorce and skepticism about the benefits of marriage for men. She further states, 'Marriage may no longer be the default goal for everyone, but this change provides a chance to redefine what commitment truly signifies. Whether through cohabitation, partnerships, or new forms of bonding, the core of relationships remains unchanged—mutual respect, understanding, and shared aspirations.' This resonates with my current perspective!
Making myself a drink, cooking, & enjoying myself at home as usual
Song “ Light Work “ by Elmiene
I’m Good Over Here
At 32 years old, I feel content with the life I’ve created for myself. I certainly enjoy dating and spending time with a lovely, friendly, and mature woman. Yet, the truth is, I have no desire or need for anything that demands more from me than I’m prepared to offer. Why is that? Why wouldn’t I marry a woman who embodies all those qualities? Why have I chosen, at such a young age, to never marry again? I could compile a list that might reach around 77 reasons for my 'Nope', but I’ll be gracious and share the top reason why marriage doesn’t appeal to me (and won’t unless something changes).
The #1 Reason Why I Avoid Marriage Like A Plague
Among the various factors discouraging men from marriage—like facing an expensive divorce, being subjected to child support for kids they rarely see, losing over 50% of their lifetime earnings, adjusting to alimony as a new expense, and the emotional pain of ending a long-term relationship simply because a woman declares, 'I’m not happy'—my reason for steering clear of this lopsided and unfair contract is not what you might think. It has nothing to do with being bitter, jaded, or afraid. It does have something to do with being turned off. How come?
The primary reason I feel indifferent about marriage is the evident disrespect many individuals display towards it. No, I don’t believe the disrespect is on purpose - but it is still disrespect. What do I mean by this? I mean that almost everyone believes they can succeed at it! They genuinely think they will excel despite never having anyone teach or demonstrate how it’s done. I find that utterly absurd! I have built every piece of furniture in my apartment and even though I always do what most men do (start without even cracking a page on the manual) when I mess up, I swallow my ego and have to refer back to the manual. However, marriage isn’t furniture. When it comes to marriage, people rarely refer to a manual, let alone have one. Sure, some might claim that the Bible serves as their manual, but I beg to differ. If that were truly the case, there would be fewer instances of infidelity, sexual withholding from spouses, or divorces simply because individuals are unhappy. While I may not identify with a specific religion as mentioned here, I do know enough about the Bible to understand what edifies people to seek a divorce - and what I see today are people “punking out” over the tiniest things. Data shows that women file for divorce over 50% of the time. I have read other data where the number peaks to 80%. If I do the math, that suggests a 20% success rate. Obviously, we have problems!
“Sit Down, Be Humble”
Unfortunately, many individuals think they will become outstanding partners the moment they utter the words, 'I do.' They assume that they will magically excel at fulfilling the daily requirements of another person, despite having difficulty meeting their own needs on a daily basis. They often overlook the fact that the journey to becoming a lifelong partner starts with being accountable to oneself. If you struggle to say 'No' to what is easy and 'Yes' to what is challenging for yourself, how can you expect to do the same for someone else?
The overwhelming arrogance and the general lack of peoples understanding about what "forever" truly means is what deters me from the idea of marriage. It astonishes me how the most beautiful and sacred bond on earth receives the least amount of preparation! People will boast about the college degrees they have worked hard to earn, the house or car they have acquired, and will even take time to dress up for a night out, yet it appears that no one is willing to invest time in preparing themselves for marriage. This leads me to think that, in reality, they either genuinely do not want to pursue it in the first place (it is usually something parents or the church is pushing), or they simply do not grasp the amount of effort it will require.
Marriage Is NOT Like Furniture
Marriage is not something you can just attend without any understanding of what it entails. Who is guiding individuals on how to be married? How can someone grow up in a dysfunctional family and then believe they have the capability to be a good partner? I feel that people approach marriage in a similar way to how I handle new furniture when I receive it - they dive in without consulting the instructions. However, with furniture, I can always start over, and the only person affected is me, as I waste my own time and energy. In contrast, in a marriage, not only do the partners endure hardship, but also the innocent children that may come into the picture. And heaven forbid children arrive outside of a marriage; that creates an entirely different set of challenges.
Do The Self-Work
Absolutely, nobody is flawless. Indeed, marriage is a journey that evolves with time, yet it also demands certain skills right from the start. You can't simply improvise! Are you skilled in communicating with others? Can you prioritize someone else's needs over your own? Will you ignore all the distractions that might pull you away from your marriage once it begins? Or is marriage merely a box to tick off your bucket list?
When I proposed to my daughter’s mother in 2015, I had her engagement ring waiting nearly (5) months in advance. It was sitting on a shelf in the closet at the college dormitory - just waiting for the right moment. Even though I no longer have the desire to marry, I find marriage to be wonderful! The thought of sharing love and life with one special woman is appealing. However, many people approach this valuable commitment without the seriousness it deserves! And THAT is what gives me pause the most!
My “Perfect” Relationship
So, I have found my peace. More importantly, I have realized through my failures that it is NOT anyone else's responsibility to provide that for me! A woman's role is not to be my source of peace - it is simply to appreciate the peace I already bring. So, when I do have the chance to engage with a quality woman, I don’t feel the need to place any extra pressure on her. Whereas some people care about race, color, and other things, I tend not to. I view being around a woman as a luxury, not a need or a right. And what I desire in a woman don’t necessarily warrant marriage. I simply enjoy the femininity a woman brings; the sound of her voice, her laughter, soft skin, and unique way of looking at the world interest me because I am a man. Being that I am a man, I am always with myself, so it’s nice to get a peek into how a seasoned woman’s thinks.
In Conclusion
As Smith stated, “Marriage may no longer be the default goal for everyone, but this change offers an opportunity to redefine what commitment truly means.” I have no issue with having a girlfriend who has her own place and her own life as I do that we get to share. But, as for having a wife, the very idea of making a commitment to a legally binding contract that impacts my finances, future, routine, and peace of mind is discomforting. Furthermore, making the agreement with someone who thinks they’ll figure it all out as we go is not my idea of a good time. So, until this trend changes (and I doubt it ever will) the answer remains, “Nope.”
