The (1) Reason Good Men Struggle To Find Good Women
Would You Believe Me If I Told You
In 2023, I went on a date with an interesting and beautiful black woman whom I had met through work that summer. While we were talking, I could sense her interest and openness towards me, but she also seemed quite timid, unsure of herself, and a bit nervous. Being myself, I mentioned that I could feel her nervousness and asked her what was bothering her. She confessed to feeling nervous and said, “You’re a little intimidating. Not in a bad way, you’re just different from what I’m used to.”
At the time, I was unsure how to interpret that because I didn’t know what her usual experiences were. All I could rely on was the fact that I had been assertive, kind, attentive, and accommodating during her visit. She admitted that I had been a gentleman and hadn’t offended her in any way. She also shared that she liked me but needed to get out of her own head. Seeing that she was struggling, I decided to end the date on a good note. A little bit of time passed, and she revealed to me that she wanted to see me again. Eventually, she did, and we started to enjoy actually ourselves.
However, I’ve always remembered that moment when a woman told me I intimidated her. I certainly didn’t intend to. I didn’t even think I was intimidating! So, this made me ponder why that situation happened. Why do loving, passionate, and attentive men often struggle to connect with women? Why do some women build walls against men they are clearly attracted to? I believe I have come to understand it better now.
“I don’t own the rights to this video”
They Lied To You
So many women are used to being in relationships with men who need them or who are obsessed with them. So, when the meet a man who isn’t like any of those men, it’s puzzling. I am the kind of man who simply just wants a woman around. I can clean, cook, manage my life financially, and I am not lonely - despite living alone. Anyone who has ever visited where I live can see a number of reasons for why I often come across as a hermit; I have fun things to do at home that don’t require me to go out unless I choose to. A man doesn’t have to be rich. A man doesn't need to be wealthy. Whether you're working class, middle-class (like me), or a millionaire, if you can create a warm and inviting home, present yourself confidently, and treat the women you meet with kindness, that can be enough to make some women a bit hesitant to approach you. I’m perfectly fine by myself, yet I truly appreciate all that comes with a feminine partner! To be honest, I love treating a woman with care. I’m quick to prepare a nice bubble bath, massage, or home-cooked dinner. However, I can only interact with a woman if she’s not the type to expect me to become infatuated with her or to try to “humble me.” Some women actually believe that it is their God-given duty to “humble” men (by ghosting, giving the silent treatment, leading on only to withdraw, or being unkind). I have seen women do this but to no avail. Behavior like that NEVER works on me because I can spot it easily, I’m not afraid to cut ties with any woman, and I already possess humility. I know where I come from, but I’m also very proud of what I have done with my life considering where I come from.
Society, church, mothers, and TV has long suggested that 'Behind every good man is a good woman,' but what occurs when a woman encounters a man who is accomplished, successful, and self-sufficient? And while I do understand the notion, it’s simply not true. A woman can be inspirational, but the man himself must act; just like a woman can’t change a bad man, she also can make a good man get up and go. He has to. This kind of rhetoric is the basis behind why so many are feeling unhappy, useless, and upset. What happens when she meets a man who resides in a lovely apartment or house, has a rewarding career, earns a good income, is attractive, behaves like a gentleman, and carries himself with confidence? Many women grow up being told that they are the “prize,” that they will be the best thing that will ever happen to a man, or “He who find a wife finds a good thing.” But in order for any of that to be true, the woman herself must actually bring something special to the table that only she can bring. Looks only go so far. And financially secure men don’t care about a woman’s money or college degrees. Not understanding these simple truths can set a woman up for failure as she tries to navigate the dating world. But why? Why the struggle with good men?
“I Can’t Keep Up With Him”
In my opinion, one of the primary reasons that confident, stable men find it difficult to meet a woman who they can take seriously, much less marry, is that many women feel intimidated by such men. While you might believe that any sensible woman would be drawn to the type of man I've just described, the unfortunate reality is, that's not the case! Although some women would eagerly seize the chance to be with such a man, many others would find it difficult to form a bond and connect with him. Why is that? The explanation is quite straightforward. He demands more from her than she is accustomed to giving.
A woman who feels anxious and apprehensive will inevitably clash with a successful, confident, and self-assured man. The reason is that, deep down, even though she is attracted to him, sees him as a potential future partner, and thinks he could be a wonderful father, she realizes that to attract and keep him, she must maintain a level of composure that many women are not used to or willing to uphold. She may genuinely like him, but she simply can't keep pace with him!
Why This Is A Big Problem!
The issue with this type of thinking is that when women consistently overlook, ignore, or shy away from assertive and confident men—simply because these men encourage them to grow emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually—there will be few, if any, strong marriages and relationships to aspire to. Moreover, if women are not pursuing the leaders, thinkers, and innovators they claim to desire, who will they ultimately choose? For those women who find themselves single, it may not be such a bad situation. The real challenge arises for those who decide to date and marry regardless.
“I don’t own the rights to this video”
He’s The Runner-Up!
I am 32 years old, but if I were 13 years old growing up in today's world, my feelings about marriage and starting a family would likely be almost non-existent. Why is that? Well, I've listened to women discussing their perspectives on marriage in both real life and on the podcasts I enjoy. They talk about the reasons behind their divorces, express regrets about being wives and mothers, and share how they sometimes manipulate their roles as spouses to elicit certain behaviors from their husbands. But the most troubling part is hearing how many of them end up marrying men they didn't genuinely want. I've had women openly tell me, and I've overheard others confess, that their husbands were not the men they truly wished to marry.
Now, this could mean a number of things.
It might suggest that the woman had a significant relationship with a man before she met her husband, but that previous man was either immature, irresponsible, or just not prepared for a long-term commitment such as having a wife and children.
On the other hand, it might suggest that a woman married a man who was more focused on establishing a long-term relationship than she was, and since she had no other alternatives available at that moment, she decided to be with him.
Well, That Sucks!
Sadly, the second reason is what I have witnessed the most. Women marrying the “nice guy” or the guy who wanted her more than she wanted him. This is NEVER good. Why do I think that? Well, you can see it in how the woman interacts with him, how she speaks to him, and how she talks about him. If a woman marries a “runner-up” it will show! Women who truly love and RESPECT the man they are with are very aware of how they treat him. I would never suggest that a woman must marry the first man she falls in love with or becomes attached to, as not all relationships last. Life can take unexpected turns; people may pass away, relocate, have different life ambitions, or simply not work out for various reasons. However, if a woman chooses to date, marry, or start a family with a man, she must be able to focus solely on him - not compare him to other men as the woman did in the video above. Deep down, she should feel that the man she has is better than anyone she has been with before and is worth holding onto, regardless of any distractions that may arise later. The problem today, however, is most married women don’t respect their husbands because she never wanted him to begin with. And the ones who do, typically, have a hard time maintaining it over a period of time. It’s essentially a lose-lose situation. But a good relationship is still possible.
The only genuine way for this to happen is for women to pursue the men they desire and to evolve into the kind of woman that the man they want is attracted to, so that any feelings of fear, self-doubt, or hesitation can be set aside. This doesn’t imply that a woman needs to become arrogant or boastful; it simply means she can feel confident knowing that she has captured the attention, love, and commitment of a wonderful man by being willing to challenge herself (not necessarily against others) to win him over!
