My Daughter Saved My Life
I believe God blessed me with a daughter to help bring back the humanity that difficult times, betrayal, and sadness attempted to strip away from me. As I strengthen her, she makes me softer.
A real picture of me and my kid
My daughter, Chyanne, is a 5-year-old girl who perfectly blends meekness and energy; you can never quite predict what to expect from her. To her family, she’s affectionately known as "ZZ’s Baby"; she’s a niece, a cousin, and a daughter.
To me, she is short, sometimes timid, precious, delicate, beautiful, and above all, the best relationship I have ever experienced. I truly love being her daddy! Even on the rare occasions when I need to discipline her, I genuinely dislike it and now fully grasp why parents often say, "It’s going to hurt you more than it’s going to hurt me."
A significant aspect of my role as a father involves ensuring that she develops self-control, good manners, and a clear understanding of her limits with me, her mother, teachers, and any authority figures in her life. Therefore, there are times when I have to take on the role of the "bad guy," but my love for her remains unchanged, and she feels the same way. From June 2024 to June 2025, I experienced my first official year being present in her life (without needing to travel back to Louisiana), and I've already observed her growing independence, maturity, and bravery.
Why A Girl?
As I reflect on her, considering that I've been a father since 2019 and pondering the reasons behind God's actions, I found myself asking a question. Why did God decide to bless me with a daughter when he made me a dad? Why a girl? While this is merely speculation, I've come to understand something truly special about her.
“If You Die Out There”
"If you die while you're out there, I want nothing to do with it. I'm not going to identify you to the police. I ain’t gonna have nothing to do with it." These were the words spoken to me by my own mother in 2017. Why? At that moment, I was homeless - AGAIN. This was likely the fourth time.
The first time I experienced homelessness was on the day I graduated from college. Yep! I was aware that returning to "home" after college would bring challenges, especially since my mother had become increasingly aggravating, overly religious, and quite hard to be around as I grew older. So, true to my nature, I decided against it and spent my college graduation morning loading up my 1996 Ford Explorer. I knew I had to vacate the dorm, but I had no intention of returning to Columbia, SC. Instead, I ended up living in my car for about 33 days in Orangeburg, SC, working as a police dispatcher until I secured my first apartment.
Regarding the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th times I found myself homeless, each instance was random and related to my choice to make a change, along with family inviting me to "crash" at their place while I worked on my plans. I was never involved in drugs, crime, or making poor choices. My only mistake was failing to acknowledge that my family isn't normal like most others. And this is what happened during the 4th time.
“Sing To The Moon” by Laura Mvula was the song that got me through many nights sleeping in my car. The only song that still brings tears to my eyes without fail.
The 4th Time
In 2017, my sister's dad, David, invited me to live with him as I was relocating to Georgia. There was just one issue: he was married to my mother. So, when I arrived and my initial plan fell apart, I ended up back on the streets. I didn't even have a chance to devise a Plan B. Even though he had made efforts to persuade her, even involving his friend, Reverend Lowe, I had to leave.
Why? Well, as she expressed, "She couldn’t have that negative energy in her home." In reality, there was no negative energy present. What existed was a 24-year-old who was frustrated because the job he was promised had fallen through, and he was now trying to navigate a city that was still unfamiliar to him. Clearly, David’s assistance didn’t pan out. I departed from Thomson, Georgia, heading towards Charleston, SC, with just $40 to my name. I secured a position with a staffing agency and began living with Aunt Pepa (the aunt of my ex-wife). Over the years, I came to view her as a mother figure, and even after I relocated to Louisiana in 2020, we maintained our connection.
Since my sister's father was involved this time, I thought he would be able to advocate for me. The first time I experienced homelessness, it was my decision not to return home after graduation. The second and third times happened just a month apart when I was invited to stay but then had to leave while my ex-wife, Chyna, and I faced a financial crisis. Therefore, when the fourth time arrived, I believed he would surely be able to prevent it. The count would remain at three, wouldn't it? I was mistaken.
I Did This . . .
The experiences I've had with trauma, abuse, neglect, and loneliness in my life extend far beyond what I've shared here. This is merely the tip of the iceberg. In my book, This Is Private Property, I explore (5) lessons I've learned about life that empowered me to establish boundaries and determine the kind of life I wished to lead. I recount the day I discovered that my brother Marquis was homeless and the tragic outcome that followed.
I have faced a lot in my life. I know the taste of heartbreak, I can hear the echoes of misery, I am well-acquainted with loneliness, and I can recognize depression. It was only in 2022, when I penned my first book and started reclaiming my life, that I took a deep dive into all those dark emotions. I was exhausted from feeling angry, numb, lifeless, and dysfunctional. Rather than being familiar with heartbreak, misery, loneliness, and depression, I embraced gratitude, joy, solitude, and serenity. I also extended forgiveness to many who never sought it. At 29, I confronted every ugly, dreadful moment from my past and faced them head-on. I worked through each experience until they transformed from tales of victimhood into stories of victory.
I often mention how the fictional character, Magneto, makes me think of who I was before having my daughter : numb & empty. She gave me a reason to be soft.
No Fear
To understand where I’m headed with this, you need to first grasp where I’ve come from. I’ve shared my experiences of being homeless, feeling depressed, and even having suicidal thoughts at times, feeling numb and empty. In 2022, I underwent significant personal growth. However, the predominant feeling that has lingered with me is my absence of fear regarding death. I’m not sure if this is a positive or negative thing, but I genuinely don’t fear dying. No, I’m not looking to hasten the process! Yet, I also don’t fear it or what lies beyond.
Why is that? Well, as I mentioned before, I’ve been through a lot. In addition to that, I wasn’t allowed to be involved in my daughter’s life during the first few years after she was born. Also, even though I’ve forgiven her, I can’t forget the words my birthmother spoke to me in 2017. It was in that moment; I realized that death itself wasn’t the most terrifying thing; the most frightening thing was dying without anyone caring. For this reason, I believe God blessed me with a child - a daughter!
Just Know I Was Smiling
Paul Walker once said, “If one day speed kills me, don’t cry because I was smiling.” In 2018, I took a leap off a waterfall in Belize, Central America, and it didn’t end well as I almost lost my life. Yet, like Paul, I was smiling. Since that incident, I have become more cautious, and a big part of that is my daughter.
I Did This, Chyanne Did The Rest
No, my daughter is NOT the only good thing about my life. I have a fulfilling life beyond her. I take pleasure in teaching, listening to good music, cooking, mixing cocktails, painting, traveling, volunteering, and savoring life. My life is truly beautiful! However, because of her, I appreciate life even more! She needs her daddy. She needs her daddy to guide her, love her, direct her, and keep her safe. Additionally, I understand that I need her.
As I stated earlier, I don’t know everything, but I believe one of the reasons why God gave me a child, a daughter at that, is because he knew she was going to break me down to size. I have a special soft spot for kids (especially girls) likely because I took care of my little sister when we were growing up; she always seemed so vulnerable, and I would have gladly put myself in harm's way for her without a second thought. However, as a father, I can no longer be the reckless daredevil I once was, someone who didn’t care about life or death. Despite her small and fragile appearance, she has accomplished what no one else, not even life itself, could achieve - she has made me care about living once more!
Still Gonna Run, But . . .
Before her mother contacted me in 2023 and we resumed co-parenting, I was the type of person who would have rushed into a burning building to rescue a lost child. I was the kind of person who would have attempted to save someone else's life, even at the cost of my own. Why? While many people are afraid of death, I am not. That child or that person had family who would’ve cared - I knew I already didn’t! So why worry about myself.
Even now, I still carry some of that in me, yet I realize my daughter will require me to face challenges for her. Not exactly rushing into burning buildings - but by running in for her prom, her wedding day, and the arrival of her first child. And because of that, she rescued me from myself!
